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3.17.2005

Fuck you, you're Irish

Today, we celebrate the fact that a large number of people were too drunk to even farm potatoes properly, so, instead of starving, they loaded up some barrels of whiskey, and migrated to Boston. Considering their penchant for getting drunk and starting fights, they soon realized that the only way to stay out of jail was to become the cops themselves. The ones who weren't smart enough to leave Ireland, and yet somehow survived the single-crop famine, went on to form terrorist groups that leave nail bombs in teddy bears lying on the street to blow up innocent children.

So, get out there and celebrate your Irish heritage. Next week, we'll have Hizbollah Pride Day, too, where we all strap candles to our chests, in symbolic unity with the brave suicide bombers that only want to destroy Israel, the US, and Lebanon. And moderate Palestinians. And, well, everyone who isn't Hizbollah.


UPDATE
To greatly paraphrase what was written to me, "The point of St. Patrick's day is of worship, not drinking."

My response
St. Patrick was, however, a Catholic.
He had an odd way of converting people. I imagine the conversation went something like this:


Saint Patrick: Behold, I am Patrick, voice of the Lord, and I have come to show you His glory.

Dan O'Keefe: You're who, then?

SP: Saint Patrick. You know, I'm the guy who drove all the snakes from Ireland.

DOK: Snakes, you say? From Ireland. I see.

Sean O'Grady: He's, right, Dan! Why, I haven't seen a snake since he got here! It's the work of the one true Lord!

DOK: But there were never any sna-

SOG and SP: YOU DARE SPEAK ILL OF THE LORD!?!? YOU CALL THE LORD OUR GOD A LIAR?!?!

DO: I'm not saying God's a liar. I'm saying you YOU ar-

SOG: That's for not believing in the Lord.

SP: You see the power of the Lord! He works in mysterious ways! See how he smote Dan O'Keefe for the merest act of doubting the word of the Lord our Savior?

Now, fast forward a few hundred years. You've basically got two groups:
Group A: Feels that St. Patrick evicted the snakes.
Group B: Says there's no historical, fossil, or anecdotal evidence that a snake ever set scale on the island of Ireland, save for the rantings of a religious nut who said that he drove the snakes away.

Group A doesn't like Group B, and vice versa. Group B throws in their lot with the British, hoping that they will save them from the religious whackos in the south. So, Group A, taking a cue from their early convert (Sean O'Grady, above), they have set up shop, bombing the shit out of the protestants in the north, and murdering women and children indiscriminately.

Now, jump across the pond. 3,000 miles away, in the US, everyone celebrates the day that St. Patrick "drove the snakes from Ireland", by drinking themselves silly. They're celebrating the cause of hundreds of years of war and oppression, and of nearly 40 years of terrorist attacks. That's why I refuse to wear green on St. Patrick's day, and feel that anyone who DOES support that cause is supporting terrorism at its bitter worst.

Hence the graphic included earlier: Fuck you, you're Irish.

Any questions?

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