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3.17.2005

Fuck you, you're Irish

Today, we celebrate the fact that a large number of people were too drunk to even farm potatoes properly, so, instead of starving, they loaded up some barrels of whiskey, and migrated to Boston. Considering their penchant for getting drunk and starting fights, they soon realized that the only way to stay out of jail was to become the cops themselves. The ones who weren't smart enough to leave Ireland, and yet somehow survived the single-crop famine, went on to form terrorist groups that leave nail bombs in teddy bears lying on the street to blow up innocent children.

So, get out there and celebrate your Irish heritage. Next week, we'll have Hizbollah Pride Day, too, where we all strap candles to our chests, in symbolic unity with the brave suicide bombers that only want to destroy Israel, the US, and Lebanon. And moderate Palestinians. And, well, everyone who isn't Hizbollah.


UPDATE
To greatly paraphrase what was written to me, "The point of St. Patrick's day is of worship, not drinking."

My response
St. Patrick was, however, a Catholic.
He had an odd way of converting people. I imagine the conversation went something like this:


Saint Patrick: Behold, I am Patrick, voice of the Lord, and I have come to show you His glory.

Dan O'Keefe: You're who, then?

SP: Saint Patrick. You know, I'm the guy who drove all the snakes from Ireland.

DOK: Snakes, you say? From Ireland. I see.

Sean O'Grady: He's, right, Dan! Why, I haven't seen a snake since he got here! It's the work of the one true Lord!

DOK: But there were never any sna-

SOG and SP: YOU DARE SPEAK ILL OF THE LORD!?!? YOU CALL THE LORD OUR GOD A LIAR?!?!

DO: I'm not saying God's a liar. I'm saying you YOU ar-

SOG: That's for not believing in the Lord.

SP: You see the power of the Lord! He works in mysterious ways! See how he smote Dan O'Keefe for the merest act of doubting the word of the Lord our Savior?

Now, fast forward a few hundred years. You've basically got two groups:
Group A: Feels that St. Patrick evicted the snakes.
Group B: Says there's no historical, fossil, or anecdotal evidence that a snake ever set scale on the island of Ireland, save for the rantings of a religious nut who said that he drove the snakes away.

Group A doesn't like Group B, and vice versa. Group B throws in their lot with the British, hoping that they will save them from the religious whackos in the south. So, Group A, taking a cue from their early convert (Sean O'Grady, above), they have set up shop, bombing the shit out of the protestants in the north, and murdering women and children indiscriminately.

Now, jump across the pond. 3,000 miles away, in the US, everyone celebrates the day that St. Patrick "drove the snakes from Ireland", by drinking themselves silly. They're celebrating the cause of hundreds of years of war and oppression, and of nearly 40 years of terrorist attacks. That's why I refuse to wear green on St. Patrick's day, and feel that anyone who DOES support that cause is supporting terrorism at its bitter worst.

Hence the graphic included earlier: Fuck you, you're Irish.

Any questions?

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3.16.2005

Making the death penalty more acceptable

So, many people are all aquiver about Scott Peterson getting the death penalty. Sane people are saying, "Good thing, too"; spineless hippies are rolling out the same tired arguments about how the death penalty is a bad thing.

I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about that here. It's really not worth the effort. However, a couple of honorable mentions:


1) No person executed in this country has been later proven innocent. Every one of the death penalty overturns has been over a technicality, not proof of innocence, almost invariably, when a retrial was granted, the person was found guilty again, but instead sentenced to life in prison instead of "old sparky." (You go look up the facts, I've already written too many papers on the subject to feel like doing any more research.)

2) The cost. Everyone pisses and moans about the cost. Well sure it costs more if someone can file an appeal every week until they finally get the juice. Simplify and streamline the appeals process, and you will see these numbers in action-

  • Life in prison
    • Inmates average 35 years in prison.
    • Inmates cost $40K / year to house and feed and protect.
    • Total cost of life in prison: $1,400,000

  • Streamlined appeals process
    • Average time on death row: 18 months
    • Cost of appeal: $350,000 (I'm being generous, and assuming that they have Johnny Cochran doing their appeals.)
    • Cost of a clean needle (can't have infection!) and the drugs to off the fucker: $25.
    • Total cost to rid the world of scum: $410,025. That's a savings of $1,000,000 per scumbag.
    • 3,825 prisoners currently on death row could then save the country $3,786,654,375.


So, there's one fix.
But that's not the good one. My plan solves the problem for untold masses:

Nooses. Freely available nooses, concreted into the ceiling of every cell in the US.

You constantly hear about prisoners being on "suicide watch." We're wasting money keeping someone from killing themselves, so that we can kill them ourselves.

Now, that's just stupid.

We tie a noose. We attach the other side of the noose to a piece of rebar. We mix that into the cement when we make the cell. (Or add it in later.) In the dark of night, there's gonna be a lot of prisoners taking care of our problems for us. (At a savings of $40,000 / year each! Cha-ching!)

It's a plan everyone can get behind.

The left will love it, becuase it allows them to celebrate the "death as a choice" belief they all foster.
The right will love it, becuase it allows them to celebrate the "dead scumbag" approach that is so popular.
People like me will love it, 'cuz, hey, I expect royalties on the rope sales.

We could give useful advice to prisoners, too. Pipe in Muzak 24 hours / day. If that doesn't drive them to suicide, lace it with subliminal messages. "Be a man. Kill yourself. You want to do it the pussy way, and wait for the state to murder you? C'mon. That rope looks pretty good. You know you want to. If you don't, you'll just be raped in the shower again tomorrow. You don't want that. You want to die. It's a release. It's freedom. It's the only way you're getting out of here."

Imagine the savings. Imagine the low recidivism rate. We could finally point to the dramatically decreasing crime rate, and tell those "rehabilitation" hippies to stop fucking up our country, and shut the hell up for a while. Yay!

Now, people say I'm cruel. Well, guess what. If you go into prison these days, you're coming out with HIV. No matter what you do these days, you're getting a death sentence anyway. So, we might as well make it quick and easy. Streamline the appeals process, give out the death penalty for murder, rape, child molestation, and contributing to a 527, and get these people off the planet pronto.

That's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

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